Mother's Day

I have been thinking about what I would post on this blog for Mother's Day for months. And now that mother's day is here, I'm not really sure what to post. I have so many feelings that stir up in me when Mother's Day rolls around. Let me just take you through some of those feelings.


I was thirteen when my mother passed away. Thirteen is such an awkward age where emotions are all over the place about silly things, so you can just imagine what it would be like with a traumatic situation. The thought of Mother's Day would bring a flood of emotions that would overwhelm me...I mean really take over. To say the first few mothers days were hard would be the understatement of the year. I was just so sad...I was hurting so intensely and just wanted her back. Of course as a young teenager, I was pretty self-centered. All of my emotions and thoughts about Mother's Day were about me and how sad I was. As the years went by...I began to think Mother's Day was not a day of pain for anyone but me, so I tried to put on my happy face and be happy for everyone who was making their happy phone calls to their moms and taking their happy moms to lunch and happily buying their moms gifts. I truly wanted to feel happy for them, but I felt hurt and pain.







Here is the cool thing about the awesome God that I serve (the one TRUE God)...He is a mighty God and loving God...even through painful situations. You see, he can take our hardest and most painful things in our lives, and use it to glorify HIS name. I'm reading back on what I wrote and it sounds as if I was a miserable person. I wasn't. And I wasn't faking a smile all the time...just on that day. And most Mother's days...the fake smile didn't last long and I cried my eyes out...I don't fake well at all. Anyway...back to the journey....through the years, other people in my life have lost a parent to all kinds of circumstances. Well...guess who they trusted with their pain...someone who has been down that same path...me! WOW!!! I had a choice. I could choose to bury myself in my hurt and pain, or I could choose to let God use me to help others through theirs. Having the chance to help others through their pain has helped me heal...I love it that God places people in our lives so we can walk through this journey together.

As the years passed, Mother's Days have become easier in many ways, but truthfully, sometimes I am still flooded with emotion on this special day. As I got older, most of my friends were married and having children of their own...I always felt a little awkward on Mother's Day. I felt out of place...I didn't have my own mother to celebrate (I do have a wonderful and lovely step-mom whom I love very much and do not want to overlook) and I did not have children. I didn't question God...I knew he is a sovereign God, I knew it...I knew that he has a plan for my life...I knew that he was using me as a "mother" to children in the church, but I still felt awkward. I felt out of place. Five years ago, I became a foster mother, and those awkward feelings were still there. I hope I am explaining this right. I felt like I was going down such a different path than any of my friends...like I wasn't a "real" mom, just a foster mom.

And then God led Autumn and I to adopt our girls. In a way, there was a different feeling after they were adopted...I was now officially a mother! Yay! But, also in fostering and adopting these girls, Mother's day has brought to light a new perspective in my mind. Let me try and explain. I have worked with kids pretty much forever, and even had kids live in my home as a foster parent, but in adopting my girls and becoming a mother, I realize SO many times that there were actual reasons my mother did different things with or to us! There are so many times that I think...oh my goodness, I remember my mother saying these same things to us....why oh why didn't we listen? There are so many times that I remember acting the way my girls do, but I just can't remember what my mom did...I just want to call her and ask what to do next! I just want to hear her voice say it will be ok sometimes.

Then I think about my girls' biological mother...wow, what emotions she must feel each day, but especially on Mother's Day. Putting all of my opinions of her aside, I know she loves the girls and I know it must be incredibly hard for her to face the consequences of her decisions every day. I can't imagine the pain that she must feel.

For the first few years that we had the girls (when they were in foster care), Mother's Day was so so hard on them. They wouldn't cry usually, they would just act very naughty. It was the only way they could express their feelings I guess. At school and at church, everyone else was making cards and crafts for their moms, and they were left not knowing when they would see their mom and not knowing what would happen with their future. It was so hard for them. Remembering the way that they were in those first few years helps me to remember that there are still thousands of children left in that limbo state of foster care. There isn't closure in their life....they are left wondering. They don't know where they belong. They are trying to figure out what role people play in their lives. It breaks my heart and brings me to my knees in prayer.

I feel like I am rambling and talking in circles, but I hope you see my heart in this and see what I am trying to say because I think it is pretty amazing. I have kind of given you snippets of my heart and what I was thinking and feeling at different points of my life. But it is simply amazing to see how God works everything together. You see, if I had not experienced the loss of my mother, I would not have the same understanding of the pain my girls experience in losing their mother. Because of the loss I have, I can be there for them in a totally different way. Wow...Thank you Lord for using terrible situations for Your Glory! Thank you that you never leave us alone...that you give us people to walk this journey with.

Happy Mother's Day! This Mother's Day...I am happy to say that I had the MOST wonderful mother who has left her legacy in not only me, but in so many people....she was an awesome mother and role model to tons of people. I am excited to see what my girls made me at school...the things that they are so proud of. And I am thankful that Mama C gave birth to my beautiful girls...and I pray that she is comforted today.

Very Proud

There are moments in my day that make me scream with frustration. There are moments in my day when I am at a total loss because I feel like a failure as a mom...like I am not doing anything right. There are moments in the day when I feel like giving up. Thankfully, there are other moments in my day than just those. Thankfully, there are many many moments in the day when I laugh so hard I couldn't imagine something be any funnier. Thankfully, there are moments that I see one of the girls helping others, or doing something that is hard for them to do. Thankfully, there are many moments when I look at the girls and feel so proud and so in awe that the Lord has chosen me to walk with them in their journey.
This month is Foster Care Month. It has really got me thinking. Of course I think about where my girls would be if they were left in the biological home. I also think about where they would be if they were left in the foster care system. Foster Care is awesome...it is awesome to be able to take care of a child and help them through a traumatic situation. BUT the truth is...the foster care system is difficult to go through. It is hard for both foster parents and foster kids. There is abuse that happens in FOSTER homes. Foster parents get tired of navigating through the system and they give up...leaving children off to yet another home. When a child moves from home to home, they get their hearts broken. They learn to guard themselves and to not trust people. When foster kids get moved out of a home, foster parents get their heart broken. It is a hard system. It is heart breaking. BUT....this is what I have learned...it is WORTH the risk!!! It is WORTH the risk of getting my heart broken (and yes...our hearts have broken each time children left our home). YES, we did get attatched and it hurts when they leave, but it is WORTH it!!! It is SO worth it!
Today, the foster care recruiter for our county brought our church bracelets. On each bracelet is the name of a child in our county who is in foster care. We get to pass the bracelets out, and every child in our county will be specifically prayed over....AWESOME!!! Well, I passed some of the bracelets out tonight, and some children were taking them. As they took them, their dad was explaining that they got to pray for the child whose name was on the bracelet because they were in foster care. Of course they asked what foster care is, and the dad began to explain. My girls were there looking on and listening to the conversation. They were not ashamed that they were once in foster care. They were excited. They were excited that people were learning about foster care...I could see it in their eyes. And M stepped in and added to the explanation of foster care. As I stood there and watched her talk, I was amazed. I was SO proud!!! I was so proud that 1-they are open with their story 2-that they are passionate to help others get involved to help kids in foster care. AMAZING!! Thank you Lord!
I totally realize not every person is called to do foster care. I know that. I know people are called to different things. BUT...I also know that we are called as Christians to take care of the children without parents...we all have different roles in taking care of these children. Please join me in praying for children in foster care...pray that they would be comforted when they move homes, that they would be able to find someone they can trust, pray that they would FEEL loved! Pray for foster parents as it is often a struggle dealing with the system, pray that they would be able to understand their kiddos and where they come from, pray that they would take the risk and love these children whole-heartedly!!!

A dress and a bonnet and a whole bunch of honesty

M is in the fourth grade, which is the year they start learning about Oklahoma history. Lucky for her, part of learning about that history is being able to celebrate the land run. Unlucky for me, I was in both Texas and Colorado for those years of my life, which meant we got to learn about the Alamo and about a bunch of guys who found the mountains....not NEAR as much fun as getting a whole day to reenact the Land Run. Don't get me wrong, I am very glad we didn't reenact the Alamo and those Colorado mountains are really pretty, but really boring to learn about who discovered what...just not my cup of tea!









So pretty much ever year, I go and celebrate with the fourth graders. They all dress up, and I spend the day imagining how fun it would have been to do that as a fourth grader with all of my friends! I have fun every year with it. Some years we stay in town and the teachers make a land run, and some years we go to places with a larger land run and more activities. This year, M's class go to go to a bigger Land Run, and we were all excited about it. But even in all of our excitement, we had one obstacle...we needed a prairie dress. I am sure that many people around here have one we could borrow, but really...we will need it for the next several years, because we will have a fourth grader for a while (all of the little girls coming up, not M staying in fourth grade!) And I look in amazement at the women who can just go to the store and get material and whip up a dress just like that....I can't even sew on a button, and Autumn can't do much more than sew on a button. Really, some people are so talented and it amazes me. However, we then remembered that we are talented people too! Autumn has a great talent of getting online and finding good deals! So she used her talents and found a very sweet woman who makes all kinds of dresses and things and we bought a dress that all 4 girls can use. We picked out the material, and Autumn ordered it. We (I really mean Autumn) told the sweet lady that we were going to use the dress for 3 sisters in coming years, and to our surprise, the sweet lady made extra bonnets so they can play dress up together. So...what did we do? We put the bonnets on (Okay, they did...I didn't have one and I did not steal theirs) and watched "Little House On the Prairie". I love that show! I will have more pictures from the land run soon.





It is so funny to me how simple little things can bring us such excitement and joy. This dress and these bonnets sparked a conversation with Autumn and I. These fun occasions in school are so much fun...we love them. We love the parties at school, dress up days, field trips, etc. We do the best we can to contribute to the parties, dress up the girls the best we can, and go on the field trips. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the details of these things that we forget to have fun and just cherish the moment. There are students in each class that for whatever reason, may not get to dress up, have parents at their events and never have the experience of bringing in items to contribute for a party or special project. Many times, these children respond in one of two ways: either they sit back quietly and try with all their might to not be noticed, or they act so naughty that you will notice their naughty behavior, not the fact that they have no parent support. Don't get me wrong...I do not believe that every parent has to attend every little event. I do not think that every parent has to send the best cookies to the party. I am not talking about that...I am talking about the kids whose parents probably don't even ever acknowledge that they are going to have a special day at school and never even ask how it went. Autumn reminded me, as we bought this dress, that there was a time when our girls were those kids. They were the ones who probably did not have a Halloween costume, who didn't get to bring something to the party, who watched the other little girls in their fun outfits for things while they sat in their "normal" clothes. Now, I fully realize that not everything in their other home was terrible and the girls have chosen to remember more of the good times than bad (thank you Lord), but let's face reality...they were "those" kids. Every time I hear that song "Alyssa Lies", I think of my girls. Most days, we forget that the girls are not our biological children. We forget the terrible things they have faced in their short lives. We forget. But this dress and these bonnets for some reason brought these issues up (to Autumn and I, not to the girls). It brings me to tears to think about their past, and to think about what could have been their future. It makes me sick and brings me to tears. Thank you LORD that YOU (not Autumn and I) rescued them! Thank you that YOU saved them from that! The sad reality is though, that there are so many children still living in that situation, and I get so wrapped up in myself and my own problems that I miss opportunities, or get frustrated with them when they are acting out, or I simply neglect to pray for them! So please take a moment right now and pray for these children. You may know some by name, and you may not. Pray for them. And, I am going to go out on a limb and ask you to pray about what YOU can do to help. It might be signing up to be a foster parent, or donating things to your local school, or simply forming a relationship with a child you know needs some extra love and attention. I feel an urgency for our children.
And all of this conversation because of a dress and a bonnet.

Another conversation

`We have so many funny conversations. SO many!! I laugh all of the time and then often forget the conversation by the time I get to a computer to write it down. Well...let me just share with you a typical conversation with A that leaves you saying....huh?
Autumn was taking the chicken off of the bone in the kitchen when A walked in, looked at what Autumn was doing and asked, "Why do you call a chicken chicken?
Autumn: Well...
A: Why do you call turkey a turkey?
Autumn: Well, should we call this chicken pig?
A: NO! That wouldn't make sense at all!


Yes...this is just one of the many conversations we have that make us laugh or scratch our heads! I have NO idea what in the world she was meaning!

My treasures

When you meet our family, depending on the circumstances, chances are that your could possibly be very overwhelmed. My guess is, just thinking of our personalities, that you would probably get to know me (Trinity) and my girls (M and S) first. We have the most outgoing personalities. I'm loud and both of my daughters are pretty social, outgoing and confident. Most likely, you will spot S with her huge smile, and M will hug you pretty quick. Yep, my girls tend to capture people's hearts right away. It doesn't take long at all. Most likely, Autumn is at the back of the pack carrying what needs to be carried, or cooking or doing whatever needs to be done. She is the behind-the-scene, get what needs to be done type of person. Her daughters (H and A) won't be the first to shake your hand or talk to you, but they will probably sit back and watch, then maybe try and get a couple of words in. However, if you are around us very long, you will see the full dynamics. M will get bored and go find something to entertain herself. However, if something needs to be done, ask M...she will see that it is done. If there are needs to be met, she will meet them. S will flash that smile as long as it keeps your attention and when that doesn't work anymore, she might throw a fit or she might be content to sit in your lap...as long as you are giving her some attention. You will not find her by herself...well, actually, if you do find her by herself, she has probably gotten into something, so watch out! H will probably just quietly watch, then gradually work herself into the conversation. If you give her the chance, she will sit quietly with you one-on-one, and hold on to every word you say. She loves to hear about people. She loves to listen to what they say. She loves to hear their stories and she genuinely cares about them, but she is quiet and a little timid and it takes a little time for her to "work her magic". A...well she is a different story. When you first see A, you might see a scowl or just a straight face. She probably isn't going to run and hug you right away. She is going to take her time and figure you out...see if you are what you say you are. She is going to stare you up and down, ask you a million questions, test you a little, THEN she will start to trust a little at a time. Once you start to earn her trust, she will tell you the funniest things you have ever heard! I am telling you...all four of my girls are jewels and treasures. All of them! It is amazing to me how different they are and yet each of them are so incredibly valuable in their own way! They each bring something different to the table! They are all treasures...a couple of them are a little "flashier" and "sparkly" and a couple are a little more hidden...you have to dig a little and be patient to see them, but they are each priceless and I thank the Lord for them! Thank you Lord that we are not all alike. Thank you that some of us are loud and some are quiet...thank you that some of us are social and some of us are task oriented....thank you that you place people in our lives that are different than us. Thank you for my treasures! I LOVE them!!!

Home run, Touch down....whatever!

I always have people ask me what it is like with 6 girls in one house. My answer is usually something like, "lots of moods" or "never dull" or something like that. There are definite advantages to having all girls in the house. For example, there were several jealous moms during football season when we watched whatever we wanted on TV while they were "stuck" watching a football game. We had a blast having a Miss America party. Yes, there are many fun advantages that come with having six girls in the house, but let me just tell you an example of what we may be lacking. Autumn and I like sports just fine. While there are teams that we like to watch, there are no teams that we follow diligently. When we think about it, we might turn on a football game. We watched part of the Superbowl (more for the halftime show and commercials, but watched it none the less). However, in this house of six girls, we just don't do a lot of sports. So our poor girls don't know a lot about sports. We like going to the high school games, but on our way to the football game, one of the girls will say, "I'm so so excited to see baseball!" Yeah...they just are pretty clueless. Well, this became very obvious on Sunday morning. We were at church, and as always, the girls were milling around the sanctuary hugging and visiting people. M went to our friends in the pew behind me and immediately noticed their middle school son had a broken leg, so she asked, "Okay...WHAT happened?" So our friend Kim started to explain: "Well, he was sliding into home, and...." (she went on about what happened.) I could see it on M's face...I could just see what she was thinking. I thought I would help the poor girl out: "M, she's talking about baseball...home plate in baseball, not sliding in her house." M tried to kind of smile like she already knew that, but I knew better...a mother always knows! Me: "Is that what you were thinking? That he was sliding in the house?" M: (laughing a little) "yeah"
Oh my...our poor girls...we need to teach them a little more about sports......or not!

Two hands!!!

That's right folks...S has to use TWO hands to show how old she is! She's a two hander now!
Instead of having a big party, S decided to bring a couple of friends to go see a movie and go to eat dinner.

We went to see Gnomeo and Juliet....such a fun movie!!! We had SO much fun!!!!!!

Emily and Becky made the party tons of fun!

Lighting the candles!

She was so happy for every part of her party.

LOVE this picture! It really shows how excited she was about the whole day.

Grandpa called to say "happy birthday". She talked and talked and talked to him...telling him everything about the day....pretty sure he could not understand her.

S went to a friend's party just a few days earlier and we got a couple of things, including a bunch of messy makeup. As I laughed about her taking home the "fun" makeup, I was reminded that she would be coming to S's party and bringing a "great" present. Well, it was a great present indeed. The bag was full of tons and tons of candy, lots of loud and noisy things like party poppers, a whistle and air horn, and lots of messy things like nail polish, hair glitter spray, and makeup....there was more, I just forget it all. She was pretty thrilled with the air horn! Look at that face!

She is a fun girl to watch open presents....she loves each one!

This card not only sings, but it dances too....she laughed and laughed and laughed!

Great....just great...

Sweet friends at the movie.

A little fun photo shoot after the movie.

I don't get many mother/daughter pictures...I forget...I need to get more!