Warning: tears may fall

Eighteen years ago today, I had been 13 for a month, went to school for a normal day of 8th grade, thinking nothing of the day. Eighteen years ago today, I went to my after school activities which were suddenly interrupted when my mother died in a tragic accident. Eighteen years ago today, my life was changed forever.

Eighteen years....that is a long time. A baby born on the same day my mom passes away is now an adult...what a weird feeling. In some ways it seems like forever, and in some ways it seems like just yesterday. I have a flood of emotions in me today. When I start to question God's plan (which is easy to do) I claim God's Word that tells me that in ALL situations, God works things for HIS good. In ALL situations, not just SOME situations. Let me tell you, that in the eighteen years of life without my mother, there has been so many situations that God has used my experience to show who HE is. I have been able to walk with other people through very difficult situations in their life in a totally different way because of what I have been through.

I still miss her though. For years and years, September 23 has been a terrible day. It has been a "day of gloom". For years, I had almost been afraid to laugh or smile on the 23rd. I did not want to forget my mom. I did not want to overlook her. While feeling pain and sadness are perfectly fine, I felt trapped by those feelings on that day, and that is not from the Lord. About 9 or 10 years ago, while I was in college, a girl named Tracey chose to pour into me and disciple me. I had talked a lot to her about how big September 23rd was in my mind. It was so overwhelming to me. Tracey challenged me to pray that God would make the 23rd something new. So I did. I started to pray that while not forgetting my mother, God would make the 23rd a day of new life. In praying this, I figured that a special friend or relative would have a baby on that day and bring new life. Year after year passed and there was never a baby born on the 23rd. However, the 23rd gradually had less and less of a hold on me.

Fast forward a few years...we had M, H, and A in our home. M had been in our home for about 1 1/2 years. For months, M had been asking about what it means to ask Jesus in her heart. She was mostly understanding, but still somewhat confused. At the beginning of that September, I knew that M was so close to making the decision to accept Christ as her Savior, so I prayed that the 23rd would be that day. On Sept. 22, it was a Saturday, and we were driving home from something. I forget the exact conversation, but God came up in the conversation. I asked M if she had Jesus in her heart and she said no. I asked if she was ready to ask Jesus in her heart and she said, "almost, but not yet." At church the next day, we had our children's musical at church. The musical so clearly and simply presented the gospel of Christ. At the end of the musical, during the invitation, M looked up at me and told us that she did not know Jesus as her Savior and wanted to.

That was it....new life. The Lord always has a better plan than we do. He does things so many times that just leaves me standing in awe. Not only did he bring these girls into our lives, but now he really brought new life right on September 23, and just to top it off, he did it at a children's musical. My mom was the queen of leading children's musicals, so that was a detail so perfect that ONLY God could have planned that!

He made my "day of gloom" a day of new life. Yes, there is still a pain I have. There are so many times that I would love to call and ask for her advice. It hurts me when the girls hurt because they do not know her. Those feelings are still there, undeniable, but I am no longer in bondage to those feelings. I am free to smile and laugh at her grave and it be ok.

I am free to remember her and miss her, smile about her, and laugh all in the same minute. I am so thankful that the Lord brought new life on the terrible day...just like he defeated death and resurrected Jesus Christ...He gives new life. My heart is full and joyful today. My heart is full on this day even remembering this day eighteen years ago.

I love their chipped nail polish and silly bands in this one!